Anxiously Awaiting Your Arrival - Post 4

Here you are inside me at 33 weeks.


It has been a while since I last posted. So much has happened since my last post.

Pre-Term Labour

On April 3rd you decided that you wanted out and I went into pre-term labour. I was only 28 weeks at the time and absolutely petrified. It actually started the night before with a weird pelvic pressure and eventually I began getting what I thought were intense Braxton Hicks contractions. I was getting scared because the contractions had increased and were regular.

After a while, your Daddy suggested we go to the hospital. I felt a bit silly for such a panicked approach. At the hospital, they attached me to monitors and confirmed that I was going into labour. I spent that night so fearful. Loving you as I did then, I could not fathom the thought of losing you. Neither could I imagine you being born and not put in my arms because you would have been a premie. Luckily they were able to give me corticosteroids to help advance your lung development and also to delay the labour. Every day after that while you stayed inside me was seen as a blessing. I was put on strict bed rest and I did not mind. I would have done anything necessary to keep you in me for as long as possible.

Grateful for Additional Time

Now you are 35 weeks along and at a stage where entry into the world is not as high risk. We look forward to your entry. Your personality is already developing. You seem to have an amazing connection to your Daddy. When you hear his voice you get so active, moving around and tumbling as though you want to play. Sometimes Daddy and I would be talking and I would get so quiet just enjoying how excited you seem to get when he is speaking. I would be jealous except that I am the one that actually get to feel you inside me. You also seem to understand touch. Once my tummy is touched and you are awake you get into an excited mode.

Sometimes I get nervous because I wonder if I am allowed to love another human being as much as I love you. For most of the pregnancy it has been just you and me: no job, no distractions, just you and me laying down as I try to understand the growth that is within me. I have so many images in my mind of what you would look like, how you would be. I try to imagine your voice and your cries. When I first found out that you could feel pain while in my womb, I got so emotional. What could I do to make sure you never feel pain? And then I realised the answer is nothing, I can't protect you from the pains in life. All I can do is try to raise you to the best of my ability.

As I am writing this, you are squirming around inside of me, no doubt demanding I read you your story of sing to you. Well, you are the boss for now, so your wish is my command. How about a Dr. Seuss story?

Letter To My Son - Post 3

My Darling,

Sometimes I get scared that I love you too much. Already, you are such a part of my life. You are the thought that comes before everything I do, want or say. Sacrifices are so much easier to make when I think that they are being made for you. Your movements make me feel so wonderful. There is no other word to describe it. I sing to you, talk to you and share my dreams with you. I tell you about your family, my love for your daddy, the kind of son that we want you to be and sometimes my fears.

I anxiously await your arrival in the next 14 weeks or so. Sometimes that seems like such a long time, at other times, compared to how long we have wanted you, it seems like a blink. I keep remembering the following lyrics and I hum and sometimes sing them to  you, hoping that you would understand how precious you are to me. Lauryn Hill sang these words in dedication to her first born:

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.
You'd be like heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived.
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.

Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak.
But if you feel like I feel.
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.

I need you baby, and if it's quite all right,
I need you baby to warm a lonely night.
I love you baby.
Trust in me when I say: OK
Oh pretty baby, don't let me down
I pray.
Oh pretty baby, now that I found you, stay.
And let me love you, oh baby let me love you, oh baby....

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.
You'd be like heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived.
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.

I need you baby, and if it's quite all right,
I need you baby to warm a lonely night.
I love you baby.
Trust in me when I say: It's OK
Oh pretty baby, don't let me down
I pray.
Oh pretty baby, now that I found you, stay.
And let me love you, oh baby let me love you, oh baby....

I need you baby, and if it's quite all right,
I need you baby to warm a lonely night.
I love you baby.
Trust in me when I say: OK
Oh pretty baby, don't let me down
I pray.
Oh pretty baby, now that I found you, stay.
And let me love you, oh baby let me love you, oh baby.... 

I love you, Son. And one day, when you read this you may begin to understand how much I loved you even before I met you.

Kisses from Mama.

Our Journey So Far - Post 2

My Positive Pregnancy Test taken at 1:03 am on 29th October 2011.

The Test

On Friday 28th October 2011, I sat in the staff room minding my own business during the luncheon period. Someone decided to microwave a chicken sandwich, the scent of which sent me rushing to the bathroom to hurl my snack and breakfast into the toilet. While rinsing my mouth, I came to the realization that I had missed my period. I closed the toilet, sat on it and started counting on my fingers. I had spotted the previous Monday and presumed my period was on the way. It never came and I never noticed. I walked out of the toilet somewhat dazed at the possibility. Once I spotted my period usually followed within three days. It had been four days. On my way home, I purchased an early pregnancy test and told myself I would test as soon as I woke up on Saturday morning. My husband was working overnight so I had privacy. I put a styrotex cup on the toilet tank so I would not have to hunt for one the next morning. I went to sleep at 9 pm that night with the intention of waking at 6 am the next morning. I woke at 1 am. When the anxiety was too much to overcome, I went and took the test... at 1:03 am. When I saw the two lines I was overwhelmed. I could not laugh, I could not cry. Instead I sat on the toilet bowl, my new favourite place it seemed, and stared dumbfounded at the test. I eventually gathered my wits, took a picture of the test and sent it with the following message to my husband in a MMS text:
Here is a classic text for you to keep. Congratulations baby!

As the reality dawned on me, I called my Mom who lived in Florida. As I said the words, "I'm Pregnant!" the reality hit me and I started crying and bawling my eyes out. My mom told me to relax but I was so overjoyed I could not control myself.

Eventually I called my best friend who lived in London and told her. She was also ecstatic. 

Through it all, I kept waiting for my husband to call in response to the text. When he did call, more than five hours later, it was to make sure that all was well. He never got the text... damn phone company did not deliver the MMS. I told him I would text him and sent him a plain SMS. His response was: "How sure are you?" It was a funny exchange as we dealt with the news. He leaned on the side of caution. I was too happy to be cautious. Finally,,, we were pregnant.

The First Trimester

That Monday and once a week for the next three weeks, I went in to my Gynaecologist. Once it was established that the baby had a heartbeat and therefor the pregnancy was viable, it became all the more real. Very early it was established that poultry and eggs were to be avoided at all cost since they had me throwing up. I was too excited to hold back. I loved my baby and gave my whole heart although it was a risk because it was so early. I floated through the first trimester taking all the side effects in stride. My stomach was huge and theories of twins and multiples were being formulated by friends and acquaintances. The doctor's report however stated it was one live foetus.

The Second Trimester to Date

The mystery of the enlarged uterus was eventually solved. On the first Friday of the New Year, I arrived home only to discover that I was bleeding. I panicked and called my husband who was not yet home, I called my parents while screaming. Eventually, I found that my husband was taking too long so I decided to drive myself to the hospital. The journey was torturous. I was crying and speeding and almost did not realise that my husband's car was acting as escort. After about 3 hours I was admitted to the ward with the warning that I could be miscarrying. I cried and prayed and begged for the life of my baby. I spent the night at the hospital and the bleeding slowed and eventually changed from bright red to black to brown. I was released but told to return for an Ultrasound on Monday and instructed to stay away from work for 14 days. On Sunday night, while praying for the life of my baby, I felt a light flutter under my hand. I was hoping that it was my baby letting me know that all was well. 

On Monday it was revealed that I had three fibroids. However, the bleeding was unexplained. At my next Gynae's appointment two weeks later, this was confirmed and furthermore stated that one fibroid was directly under the placenta. All hopes of returning to work were dashed. The greatest fear was that something would happen and my baby would not survive. I lived on the edge of anxiety counting every single week as a milestone. During my 21st week I had the most excruciating pain for about 72 hours. It was later diagnosed as red degeneration meaning that at least one of the fibroid had died. That knowledge was worth the pain. During that week, I also discovered that I was going to have a baby boy. By week 24, my little one was moving up a storm in my tummy. I have never in my whole life thought that it was possible to love and fear this deeply.

Introduction to the Voice of Mama - Post 1

My lovely son at 14 weeks and 6 days old.

Why This Blog...

I have so many thoughts as I go through this process. I am now 6 months pregnant with a baby boy. I have been waiting for him for more than 10 years. I have cried at every menstrual cycle but God knew best. As I continue this journey, I need to register my thoughts so that one day my son will get a glimpse into how truly loved he is.

A Not-So-Brief History

I met my husband on November 25th 2000. It was a simple enough meeting but immediately, I knew he would play an important part in my life. We had many obstacles to overcome to be together but by late 2002 we were living together and loosely trying to have a baby. We wed in 2004 when I was 25 years old and he was 44 years old. During the next eight years we went through the grief associated with infertility. My tubes were blocked. I did a laparoscopy but was informed that the tubes were still not cleared and the only option was IVF. I was very reluctant to do the IVF because I feared getting my hopes up and then being disappointed.

It was difficult watching those around getting pregnant and continuing on to successful deliveries. There was no jealousy, just a deep wistfulness to have my own. There was also deep contempt for those who aborted without a second thought to the fact that they were throwing away what I wanted so badly.

In October 2010, I joined a Yoga group in an attempt to lose some weight. I mentioned my infertility to my instructor and he said in one year my issues would be reversed.

On September 23rd 2011, my grandmother died. She meant a lot to me and was one of those most wanting to see me have my own baby. On September 30th 2011 my period came. On October 28th, I realized that my period did not come and on October 29th I got my positive pregnancy test. The thoughts that ran through my mind along with the fears and elation are indescribable.

Here and Now

Now here we are, six months along and waiting with excitement for the big day... The day you enter the world.